So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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