this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
