I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
