So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Boobs are out for the taking
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
