I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
