Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
