My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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