My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
