I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
