dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
