We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
