Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
