I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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