Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
