Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Randomize