Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
