Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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