Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
