I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
