She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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