my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
