He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
