is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
