so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
