So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
