it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
