nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
