it's not cheating when I paid for it
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
