Betty ford says i'm here all night
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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