i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
