Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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