i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
