Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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