I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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