I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
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