I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
