At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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