we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
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