Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
