I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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