No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Randomize
