you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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