I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
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