I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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