I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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