i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
