I'm jealous of your bromance
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Randomize
