too bad you live with your parents still
I think my fart just growled at me.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
