Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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