Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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